baking soda

Would it be...

 Would it be completely moronic to stop going to school for a while?
I know, we've all been told "if you stop going to school you'll never go back!"... but I don't believe that... it's scare tactics.

I just don't think it's for me right now. I've dropped two classes a semester for the past two semesters, and one before that.
I'm just wasting my time, my instructors time, and my parents money.
I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore, and I'd much rather discover that at my own leisure, and not feel forced to learn about something I have no interest in.

I'm just scared that my parents will be disappointed in me, I know they have ideas of what their kids should be and with my sister already not going to school and my brother historically not doing well (not that that's necessarily a bad thing, I don't believe going to school is the be all end all in life) I felt like I owed it to them to give them what they want. But I can't do it. I guess I really need to shake this people pleasing attitude of mine that gets me so stressed out when I realize I can't do or be everything everyone wants, and still do what I want.

I talked to Seth about going to school part time a couple weeks ago. When I do go back, I think that's what I'm going to have to do. The only problem with that is then I have no health insurance.

I guess I should talk to my family more... but ultimately try to make the decision for myself.
baking soda

Would it be...

 Would it be completely moronic to stop going to school for a while?
I know, we've all been told "if you stop going to school you'll never go back!"... but I don't believe that... it's scare tactics.

I just don't think it's for me right now. I've dropped two classes a semester for the past two semesters, and one before that.
I'm just wasting my time, my instructors time, and my parents money.
I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore, and I'd much rather discover that at my own leisure, and not feel forced to learn about something I have no interest in.

I'm just scared that my parents will be disappointed in me, I know they have ideas of what their kids should be and with my sister already not going to school and my brother historically not doing well (not that that's necessarily a bad thing, I don't believe going to school is the be all end all in life) I felt like I owed it to them to give them what they want. But I can't do it. I guess I really need to shake this people pleasing attitude of mine that gets me so stressed out when I realize I can't do or be everything everyone wants, and still do what I want.

I talked to Seth about going to school part time a couple weeks ago. When I do go back, I think that's what I'm going to have to do. The only problem with that is then I have no health insurance.

I guess I should talk to my family more... but ultimately try to make the decision for myself.


Does anyone else feel like school gets in the way of what they really want to do? Really, I would like to read more. I would like to paint and draw and EXPERIENCE more. As it is, I cannot do the things with my friends that I would like to do... like go to another city for a day just to see things.... I feel like I learn a hell of a lot more from life and reading books and working than I do from school. It can be a waste of time. How much time do I spend waiting for a self absorbed classmate to shutup and let the instructor talk? How much time to I spend waiting for the instructor to shut up and start actually talking about the subject and not going off into some inspirational rant about how important it is to go to college and get it done as quickly as possible and that school should be not only your main, but your only, focus. What's the point? I don't know how much time I spend in a day thinking about how I wish I wasn't so worn out because then I would like to go have coffee and read VagPag or some news articles or a book. Or stay home and draw and paint something... and have the time to look around for opportunities in art.

The issue now is that I've dropped four (five?) classes before. Here in Texas, we have the genius 6 drop rule. In your entire college career, you can only drop six courses. An effort to make students work harder and get done with school faster. I don't know, all it's about to do for me is wreck my grades. Who is the government to tell me when I need to keep going to school? Who is the government to decide what is most important in my life, my sanity and happiness, or my grades in classes that I feel are honestly pointless? I have four classes right now. I may not be able to drop them all so I may have to suck it up and finish them out, despite already being far behind and NOT wanting to hear my printmaking instructors guilt trip .

It's hard feeling like life is already a pretty pointless thing on its own, and then trying to work work work and do more to set myself up for when I become old and forgotten and useless. Why the fuck am I not enjoying myself now that I am able to do things? Why am I letting myself feel unaccomplished every fucking day of my life because I have no motivation to apply myself in school and I don't have the time and energy to do what I sit and wish I was doing every single day?

I'm scared of not going to school because I don't want to feel like I'm wasting my life because I'm not going. But would I really be wasting my life if I spent time doing what I feel like I should be doing, instead?
baking soda

Okay

 I officially cannot work in foodservice.

I lack the will power to keep myself from snacking.

At the beginning of last year, I weighed 175.
Now I am about 190.
I am NOT letting myself hit 200 again. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Granted, I have gained a decent amount of muscle, but I know that not all of this is.

I need this new job to start soon, so I can be away from the readily available sweets at the bakery. This IS an addiction.
I'm going to bring a giant thing of water to work today and just drink anytime I don't feel full. Gum always helps and should help with the smoking. It's more of an addiction to the activity than the food or nicotine itself. I get in my car and I'm looking for a cig, cause I'm used to it now. I go to work and I'm looking for food and trying to combine things we have around, because I'm used to it.
I think I will look more into getting myself a place in a neighboring town so I can stay away from my parents home. I need to learn to be less dependent upon them and fix this bizarre idea that money is for fun that I have going on. Money is for srs bsns, unfortunately.
And if I stay away, I will not come over and snack like it's all I'm going to get for a month. Which I do. ~sips chocolate milk~
I just want to go home and tend to some chickens, and make some freezer dinners, and do some drugs, and go to sleep.

Speaking of drugs, Jeremy and I have sort of become un/official "trip buddies". I guess we're going to just try new drugs together. He's let me try his Salvia, which I have not tripped on yet, but I'm building up slowly so I can have control of it and not freak out.
We just tried Calea Zacatechichi. I told him about it, supposed to help induce lucid dreaming and cause your dreams to be more vivid and detailed. We're looking to buy capsules or extract next time, so it's easier. This time we bought 15g or straight leaf and did the tea and smoke method.

For the record, tea made from Calea Zacatechichi is the worst taste you can ever imagine. And I don't mean icky gross, I mean BITTER and almost painful. It is SO incredibly STRONG.

We had read all about it on Erowid, and heard the horror stories of its taste, but figured everyone on the website were pussies. After making the tea, we smelled it. It smells lovely. I'd be tempted to keep dry leaf as potpourri in my home. We joked about just getting a ton of nice smelling ethnobotanicals and putting them in a bowl on the coffee table if we ever move in together. I don't think it's going to happen, but that's okay, I don't want to freak Jeremy out. I like him a lot (friends only, dude, do not want BF) and could see myself getting very close to him. We are very similar, and he is genuinely intelligent and well educated. Anyways. The tea smelled nice. I put sugar in mine just in case it really did turn out to be terrible. About 2 tsp for a cup of tea.
Drinking it at first, you think, 'hey this isn't that bad'. Then you start to feel the bitterness. Oh, we had done an allergy test by the way, by chewing a couple of leaves each, which turned out to be tasty at first, until the bitterness came out, then BLECH.
You start to feel the bitterness, and then it hits you and you want to vomit, not because it's necessarily a nauseating taste, just because it is so strong. It's not disagreeable to the stomach, but the mouth does not want it. The throat wants to close and you want to cough. I'm sure the bitter is the plants defense mechanism.
So we worked on drinking the tea for a good 20 minutes, with help from a couple of cigarettes (they cut the bitter surprisingly well, especially when smoked straight after a gulp of tea. it was probably the menthol. people keep mints around for this purpose. will do that next time.) and a box of raisins.
The raisins didn't do much really. And sugar doesn't. I did the rest of my calea last night. Used about twice as much herb in my tea ball and half as much water. I wanted to up the dosage because I barely got anything from the first try. Which I will explain in a moment. I dumped enough sugar in it that I'm sure I could have reduced it down to a Calea caramel if I felt like it. I thought about experimenting with making it into a syrup reduction. The sugar did not cut the bitter. You drink, and it tastes like overly sweetened earl grey, and then BAM, BITTER. Owwww ow ow!

You wait about 20 minutes or so, then smoke a cigarette of it. 20 minutes is good time to sort and roll. We smoked about 3/4 of a gram each the first night (fat rolls dude). Then we went to bed. I was feeling a little jellylegged before we slept though. And things definitely were looking different as I was walking around, but I can't really pinpoint what was different. It was very mildly felt. You're supposed to do enough that you can feel your pulse. Jeremy could, I couldn't. In bed now.
I had trouble getting to sleep at first, but I don't know if this is because of the drug or because of the anticipation or because Jeremy was sleeping on the floor next to me and that was a little strange. I thought he was going to sleep in the living room, then he asked to stay in my room. Okay. ~Shrug~ No big deal. I just wanted to touch myself before I slept. No fun for Alyssa that night.

Then I finally got to sleep. I was feeling a mild body high while laying down which was definitely amplified when I closed my eyes. I cannot remember any dreams. Some people are unaffected by Calea. Some people have crazy dreams but forget them quickly. The only part of a dream I remember was someone calling me with another person on the other line, so that the first person could tell me that they liked my face. The first person had Daniel's (bouncer from House of Rock, not my bro) face, but I didn't identify him as Daniel in the dream. The other person was mostly Vanessa, but rotated to Jeremy and someone else, and even a kind of faceless thing when I wasn't focused on it. They were all disembodied heads in a pitch black abyss. Using old black telephones.
At one point I half awoke and turned my head to where in real like would be a stack of milk crates about 4 high, and beyond that, a bucket holding my Salvia plant. I had my eyes closed, but I couldn't tell. I was vividly seeing my salvia plant right next to the bed. I stared at it for a while, focused on it, and realized "My eyes are not open..." and then I waited and thought about it more, and then I didn't know if they were or not, and reached up to touch my eyes. They were definitely closed.
This all sounds a lot more fantastic than it really was. It was really just kind of like "Oh, well okay... :o hm."

Last night I had smoked about 1.5 grams and packed a teaball full of about 2.5 grams or so. I did feel my pulse this time, a little bit. I had about 2 grams rolled but I couldn't make it through the cigarettes. It was too much and I've been rolling them so fat it's hard to smoke. They either fall apart or are just way too hot. Probably would be better to put in a water pipe, especially because it burns hella fast too. Had trouble getting to sleep again. Then finally fell into half sleep. I really could not tell if I was awake or asleep for a good hour or so. I was dreaming, but I still could crack my eyes open and vaguely tell that I was laying down facing my wall. I knew I was hugging Felix. I don't remember the dream right now. I remember rotund boys, and that's about it. I'll work on bringing it back. It was a strange feeling. I finally told myself the snap out of it, and woke up. I had gone to bed at 10. Fell "asleep" at about 10:30, looked a the clock and it was 11:48. I felt like I had slept for hours. Rolled over and went back to sleep. Not feeling much of the body high anymore. Nothing past that. Woke up at 4 and did the usual snoozing for an hour. Got up and went about my business as usual.

They sell 20x extracts. And I think that's what I need.
baking soda

(no subject)

 Hello life. There you are.
Hello Alyssa. You seem ready for it again.

This has been a great week.
A really really fantastically great awesome week of happy and pride and stuff.
baking soda

(no subject)

I like dumb people. Listen to them decipher the meaning of "I Never Came" by Queens of the Stone Age:

Burntfire: "Hes gotta hard-on that wont go away cause he can (I'm assuming he meant "can't" here) get off. She tells him he's limp when hes not, and he cant make it "die". And then shes throwin that in his face but he dont care. He just cant get off with her. BAM! Spent Biatch."

sweet_pea: "Burntfire, that is genius!! I never thought about it that way but you've expanded my thoughts on this song!"

Zeppelinswimmer: "Haha thats why i love the queens, funny sex jokes."



Funny sex jokes. Not artistic merit or anything like that.
baking soda

(no subject)

 Dear sextips members:

Post more. I need to read about sex so I stop getting depressed about what a terrible state the world is in and how I'll never be able to remedy ignorance.